Freezing Time

On picture day, I blew Carmen's hair straight so she'd look nice. Her hair is usually all over the place -- it is fine and tends to get straggly by the end of the day. Ordinarily I don't care but I figured she may as well take a good shot. When she left the house her hair was sleek and she looked fantastic.

When she got home she informed me that the grade 4s were the last to have their pictures taken. Last thing in the day. I immediately imagined what she had had done during gym class and then outside at recess and lunch hour -- playing tag in the grass, chasing each other on the playground, dodgeball--and what she must have looked like when she finally sat down to say 'cheese'. I figured she was going to look like a hot mess. I mentally planned retakes and lamented that we wouldn't have her pictures by Christmas.

A month later she brought her package home and she looked great. Most importantly she looked like HER; a bit more messy than sleek perhaps but clearly happy and confident and so very pretty. Why had I stressed about this picture? Why did it even matter?

A while later I was flipping through photo albums looking for a picture of a friend and me when we were kids and I came across MY grade 4 picture. I'm sure I did my own hair that day and, as I was a tomboy, I was undoubtably wrestling with the guys or playing baseball before my shot was taken. It's not a beauty by any stretch.  My parents kept it in favour of retakes because it showed ME. It was the kid I was at that moment, a frozen piece of history. The picture shows the 9 year old me who didn't care what I looked like or that my pants were usually a bit short or that my teeth were too huge for my face (as were my ears) or that my hair was all over the place or that I had any reason at all to be self-conscious about it. Just like hers is the fourth grade Carmen frozen in time on picture day. (Though as you can see, her picture is exponentially better than mine -- she is more beautiful than I could ever have hoped to be but I doubt she could rock the red and white velour like I did!). 

Years in the future, when I look at this picture, I certainly won't remember what her hair looked like before she left the house. I'll look at this picture and remember the funny, spazzy, smart kid she was at 9, and how proud I was of her. And when she looks at this picture she'll probably just be thankful she wasn't saddled with a mugshot like her mom's.

 

Resolution

So it has been a while. A very long while. I kinda got lost on the way to my keyboard. I haven't written a word for months, even though several times a day I swear that right after lunch or after I finish this load of laundry or right after I put the groceries away I'm going to drag my sorry ass to the laptop and put some ideas down. I just haven't gotten there. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis thing, with 40 looming large on the horizon, its tentacles tightening their grip on me as I fight its stranglehold. I'm not growing older gracefully. I'm doing so with all the grace of a toddler denied a treat after missing her nap. Internal tantrums aside, I'm getting back on track. Screw 40. It's just a number. Granted, a high, depressing number, but a number all the same.

So I'm going to drop the excuses, get back in shape, and start writing regularly again. I mean it this time. This is more than a New Year's resolution. It's a promise to myself to refocus on the things that are important: writing, being healthy and energetic (so I can kick 40's ass!), and being a positive force in this house for my kids. So there you have it. It's in writing. I'm back on track for 2013!

Cleansed

So I did it. I survived. I am cleansed. Hallelujah!

A bit of overkill? Perhaps. But for me it's a big deal. I don't think I've ever gone this long without at least some junk food passing these lips. This week I ate only fruits and vegetables, water, and later in the week lean beef. No refined sugar. No bread. No dairy.

It was a long week, I will confess. I really wanted to cheat. I missed my bread and cheese desperately. I really wanted to support the Miracle Network by buying a Blizzard at Dairy Queen. And when I had to bring dessert to a BBQ, I really wanted to try out the Whoopie Pies with yummy marshmallow filling. But I didn't. I stuck to the diet exactly and I lost 11 pounds in a week.

The big thing for me is that I know I can do it. I can cut out the crap food I've been sneaking when the kids go to bed and still survive. I've decided that I'm going to eat relatively well all week and leave the fun stuff for the weekends. Then I'm not feeling deprived but at the same time am not making a pig of myself.

It was a good experiment in discipline and I came out the other end feeling better and a little lighter. It's not sustainable long term (I need some carbs!) but it was a good place to build from. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bagel and peanut butter waiting for me.

Things She Should Know

I made a list of things Ben needed to know (see last post) so I guess it’s only fair to harp on Carmen too. So here is a list of 10 things I hope Carmen learns as she navigates the mine field that is growing up.

1)   You don’t always have to have the last word. Even if you’re thinking it in your head, it’s okay to let someone else end a conversation/argument.

2)   If you have to continually tug a skirt down or pulled the neckline of a top up, it’s clearly too small.

3)   Never pretend to be stupid. Be proud of how smart you are and never dumb yourself down for anyone.

4)   The internet is a public place. Don’t post a picture of yourself or post a comment that you wouldn’t proudly display to your grandparents.

5)   Girls can be mean. At some point you will probably be the victim of nasty girls. Don’t forget how it feels to be excluded and teased so you won’t do that to other people.

6)   Be sure you know how to change a tire and fill up the fluids in your car. You can’t always sweet talk someone else into doing it for you!

7)   Trust your gut. When something feels off it probably is. When you feel that, run like hell!

8)   Be true to yourself. Do what is right and follow your heart. It’ll take you far!

9)   Models in magazines have all been airbrushed to look like that. Don’t think they are the standard. Hell, THEY don’t even meet up to their own standard. Be healthy and proud of it!

10)  You can do anything you set your mind to. Don’t let anyone, especially YOU, stand in the way.

Things He Should Know

Right now Ben thinks I’m kinda okay. I know some stuff. He knows more and knows better, of course, but for the time being I still rate. That won’t last I’m sure. But there are a few things he needs to know as he grows up that I need to start teaching him now while he’s still sort of listening. So here are the top 10 things my son needs to learn over the next, oh, 15 years.

1)   Never EVER sport the mullet. It was horrible in the 80s and it is just as bad now. No matter what anyone says, you’ll look like a hillbilly.

2)   When you date a girl treat here with total respect. Always remember that she is someone’s daughter, someone’s sister—because if you mistreat her, her big brother will surely remind you.

3)   Listen. Too many people can’t hear what others are saying over the flapping of their own lips. It’s an important skill. Develop it!

4)   Never be too cool to dance. Girls LOVE a guy who will dance with them.

5)   Learn to cook, even if it’s the basics.

6)   Don’t ever post something on the internet that you wouldn’t pin up on the front door for everyone to see. Because that’s pretty much what you’re doing anyway.

7)   No matter how hard it is, stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. You never know when someone else will show you the same compassion and character in return.

8)   Don’t wait for an occasion to do something nice for those you love. Buy flowers just because, say “I love you” without having to add the “too”, help out without being asked. People won’t forget it.

9)   Dream big and work hard to make it come true. But know that we support and love you no matter what.

10)  Just in case you don’t make the NHL, work hard in school. Trust me – that’ll come in handy!

Blast from the Past

I was going through some boxes in the basement and found my writing binder from when I was eight and nine years old. I remembered it was there but I had totally forgotten what was inside – I wrote several “novels” -- and even illustrated them myself!—kept together by an Animal Crackers binder that was ever so popular in 1982.

I wrote what I knew – there are references to Acapulco (where we holidayed every year) and great reverence for the Duke boys (of whom I was a huge fan). Characters were named after my friends at the time and were interested in the things we were into – baseball, reading Nancy Drew books, making up dance routines and songs to present at our talent shows. It’s like a subjective time capsule; it speaks to a slice of time but through the lens of a prepubescent girl in Calgary.

It was great to flip through these stories and read about what my young brain thought was interesting enough to put pencil to paper to record. Sure, it’s riddled with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but I’ve seen worse writing on the Internet so I suppose I should cut myself some slack.

The best part of this whole discovery is how interested Carmen is in what I wrote. She’s the same age now as I was then, so maybe what I wrote really speaks to someone that age. Or maybe she’s just enjoying exploring a piece of her mom that she didn’t know about before. And maybe it’ll spur her to write her own stories and use her imagination to create something that her kids will flip through in 30 years and say, “Wow, that’s pretty cool, Mom.” If nothing else it has reminded me of how much I have always loved to write and how important it is to get serious about putting the stories in my head down on paper. So thanks to the nine-year-old me for the kick in the pants. Message received.

Just Fine

I took Carmen to soccer a week or so ago and it was her first one with a new organization. She’s in U10 now so it’s a bit more involved than the old community league and she doesn’t know any of the girls in the group.

We showed up and she was nervous and quite frankly looked terrified. She shuffled behind the group of girls as they warmed up and she stood, shoulders hunched, hands clasped, eyes downcast for the first 10 minutes or so. When she was on the field she was so uncertain and timid it made me want to cry. I wanted to yell at her to just let loose and play like she can, to get involved, to have FUN for God’s sake, but she carried on softly tapping the ball and staying a step behind.

Afterward she said it was ‘okay’. She had an ‘okay’ time. She said she would do it again next practice too, which I supposed was something.

She went again to soccer practice yesterday and it only took her half the time to start warming up to the idea of the new soccer team, the new group of girls. They were, for the most part, all new to it so she was in good company. Maybe she was starting to realize that. This time, the practice was ‘good’ – a step up from okay at any rate.

I worry so much about her shyness. I worry that she won’t get all she could be getting out of experiences because she’s holding back. The fact that I was (and remain) exactly the same way is irrelevant. I want more for her. Better.

Then this morning I went to the Earth Day assembly at school to support Carmen’s Environment Club. She was a co-emcee for the event and did a fantastic job. I asked her before if she was nervous (as I remember having mini-panic attacks when I had to speak in front of the class let alone the whole school) and she looked at me like I was insane. Why would she be nervous? Why indeed.

I am starting to realize that she’s just fine. Really fine. She doesn’t dive in headfirst but rather takes her time getting used to new things before letting loose. And that’s okay. What’s important is that she’s nervous but she does it anyway. And when she’s in school where she’s comfortable and confident, there are no nerves. Yeah, I guess I can stop worrying, at least about this. She’s going to be just fine. In fact, she already is.