As a teenager, I remember empathizing with friends who had to get braces or retainers or some other God-awful dental contraption while secretly (and maybe a bit smugly) thinking “never gonna be me.” You see, I have perfectly straight teeth, a nice smile. Textbook, my dentist had said.
Apparently the textbooks have changed. Now, 20 years after my friends suffered through metallic smiles and painful adjustments, I’m on the road to braces to fix a jaw misalignment. Me. Braces. Very uncool. Even more uncool is the orthodontic splint – think retainer meets mouth guard— that I’m sporting now for the next 6 to 12months. It’s horrible! It feels like it takes up my entire mouth, I can’t talk, it’s uncomfortable and I look like a total dork. Mortifying. You can expect to see more posting and emailing and facebooking so I can avoid actually talking to anyone. Nothing personal. No one needs to hear a middle-aged woman lisping through an unattractive appliance!
You would think a married, secure person like me wouldn’t get too worked up about orthodontics. Hell, if it’ll reduce my brutal headaches and jaw pain I should be excited. Apparently I’m not. Maybe I’m vain. Maybe I’m cheap (this stuff is costing a fortune!). Maybe I’m just bitter that I’ll be in splints and frickin’ braces until I’m almost 40. I guess it’s a combination of it all that has me feeling like I want to crawl back into bed for the next, oh, 2 years.
Okay. Enough complaining. But when you see me, remember my fragile psyche right now and keep the jokes to a minimum. Thankth.
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