Parental Pearls

There are so many things I never imagined I’d ever hear myself say. It’s amazing what having kids does to a person! Here are a few nuggets that I had to shake my head at even before they were completely out of my mouth:

Stop licking my arm.

I’m not going to start reading again until you take your hands out of your pants.

Don’t ride the dog.

Please take your underwear off your head.

I trust you when you tell me your poop is giant. I don’t need to see it. Go flush.

Armpit farting isn’t music.

What did you think would happen when you kept sticking your butt in his face?

I can’t tell you what schools were like 100 years ago. How old do you think I am?!

Don’t eat on the toilet!

I’m not a jungle gym so stop climbing me.

When I was your age, I had to……

What did you just wipe on my shirt?

Don't shove that in your nose!

I’m not sure where the Ken doll’s penis is….maybe he’s just wearing really tight flesh-coloured underwear.