The Other Shoe

I envy those people. The ones on the news looking shell-shocked and glassy-eyed after a tragedy, shaking their heads in bewilderment. They never thought "it" could happen to them, in their community, to their children. It never occurred to them that they could be a victim of circumstance, of violence, of misfortune.

For me, I expect nothing less. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for that catastrophic event that will send my charmed life into a tailspin. Waiting for that piece of devastating news that will separate life into "Before" and "After".

The fear keeps me up at night, thinking about what horrible disease or predator or disaster lurks around the corner, stalking those I love most. Every mention of a headache or sore limbs signals something more sinister in the kids. Every time my family members are a bit late coming home, I imagine the worst. And as the kids get older I know I have to give them more independence and trust that they have heard my constant harping about safety and good choices. But it's hard. If I did, what would happen to that shoe?

I'm not just neurotic about my loved ones -- I assume the worst for myself too. A mark on my skin must be cancer. The headaches that have plagued me since childhood must be something life-threatening. Spotty memory must be early onset Alzheimer's or something equally horrible. And for days I've been waiting on test results from a mammogram and ultrasound, waiting for a call from the doctor's office receptionist, all calm and soothing, asking me to come in. Waiting to learn of some malignancy or what those abnormal shadows mean. Waiting for the shoe to drop.

Today, I got an envelop from the clinic and inside was a form letter with a box casually checked off telling me my exam results were all normal. Come back next year.

I'm thankful for the clean bill of health but strangely enough, the news doesn't flood me with relief. It just clears way for the next potential crisis, the next hidden hurdle, the next disaster-in-the-making. Because I know it's out there. That other shoe can't stay up forever. Unlike those people on the news, it won't take me by surprise. I'll be ready so that maybe, just maybe, I can catch the other shoe before it hits the ground.

Democracy

The day is here. Election day. For the first time in my 24-year voting history I was at a total loss. I've been a conservative forever but I couldn't see electing Jim Prentice back into office. I had no clue as to what was the best path, the lesser of evils. And believe me I tried to figure it out. 

I researched, trolling website after website, reading about the platforms of each party. Checking out the promises if elected. Of course, nowhere did they lay out how they would actually find the money to make good on those promises, but that's a problem for another time. Post-election time. And what did I find at the end of it all?

Really, there are no great choices out there. Pundits predict change, an NDP government, which scares the crap out of me. The PCs have had 40+ years to get it right and haven't. Wildrose seems like an extension of the PCs, with politicians crossing over at will. Liberals are a non-starter. 

I thought about spoiling my ballot but that seemed pointless. Perhaps I could decline the vote -- I've heard that doing this registers dissatisfaction in a different way than just mucking up your ballot. And I think about all of the people around the world fighting and dying for the right to cast a vote, to make a choice, and I felt that I needed to do something. To make a choice too. But how? Even as I stood at the little cardboard partition, staring at the strip of paper with that tiny golf pencil in my hand, I wasn't sure.

In the end, I put an X beside a name I am pretty sure hasn't got a shot at winning (but if she did win, it would be okay). It was more a vote against than a vote for anyway. This is democracy? Frightened by the prospect of any of the front-runners taking office? 

It could be a long four years, Alberta. Buckle up. Hope you all felt better after tucking your slip of paper into the box than I did.

Retro

My kids were visiting my dad and his wife in Medicine Hat last week. Their spare room (and the tiny attached room that was once used as a kitchen) is a total throwback to another time. He has an old bread box, a camera, toaster, box of laundry soap, and dishes all from around the 1950s to make it a cool, retro space. He also has a rotary-dial telephone, which the kids used to call home.

They had no idea what it was or how to use it. It occurred to me how many thing from my past will be totally lost to them.

They will have to offer a nickel for your thoughts because they will have completely forgotten what a "penny" was.

The idea of having to reheat leftovers in the oven is absurd.

They will never have a super-long phone cord that gets all tangled up, so once a week you have to hang the receiver upside down to let it spin wildly until it is untangled again.

Forget LPs and cassette tapes, they will barely remember CDs by the time they are teenagers.

On road trips we looked out the window, made up car games, talked, read, played games, or solved riddles in the invisible ink workbooks my mom would buy for us for the trip. We didn't have a DVD player in the car or an iPad for video games to pass the time.

To research a school project we had to go to the library, search the stacks, and collect information. There was no wikipedia or google, with its instant and copious amounts of information, to find it for us.

We had to watch commercials and some of us even had to get up and manually turn the channel on the television. No PVR. No remote controls.

Our kids' lives are easier in many ways I suppose but not necessarily better. Everything is expected instantly. Instant gratification. Instant results. Instant access. I love my iPhone, of course, but there is something to be said for a simpler time. A time when you used your imagination and got out and played and explored rather than staring at a screen where a virtual version of you played and explored. And I shudder to think about all the things that my kids will be thinking nostalgically about when their children stare back at them blankly at the mention of an mp3 or a paperback book. Today's technology is amazing and I'm sure I'd be lost without it, but I wouldn't trade my rotary-dial phone or my slower-paced childhood for anything.

Moving Forward

For the past month, there have been a lot of tears around here. Carmen is sad to leave her elementary school and a bit nervous about moving up to middle school. She is excited about it, sure, but sad. She'll miss her teachers and the school, and she has loved her time there. She had big plans for the last week of classes and we had counted on that time to ease her into graduating from elementary school and looking ahead to middle school.

Then the flood hit. We stayed home from school Friday. Then again on Monday. And now we don't go back until Thursday and then only for a half day to gather belongings, get report cards, and say goodbye.

The tears started in earnest last night. She was very upset by it all:

They didn't get to do activity day, which was a crushing blow not because she loves the activities but because she and the Leadership Club spent a lot of time planning the stations and making it fun for the rest of the kids.

They didn't get to do the year-end wrap-up party for Leadership Club.

They may not get to do the Grade 4 Farewell assembly, which they have been preparing for over the past month.

Her soccer city finals were at best postponed but likely cancelled outright.

In short, she's upset that all of the things she was looking forward to, all the rites of passage for the exiting grade fours, were taken from her.

She sat in her bed last night and wept about the injustice of it. She was so disappointed and it was heartbreaking to watch. She is not a fan of change at the best of times so this was all too much for her to handle.

We tried to put it all into perspective for her. She has her bed to sleep in. She has a dry house. Her belongings weren't washed away in the flooding. We and all of our friends and family are safe. Carmen and I had gone with our friend Tania to deliver some donations to NeighbourLink, which is a great organization that collects necessities and disperses them to the various communities that need them. Carmen got to see the amount of stuff that is required and how much is shipping out to help these people affected by flooding. And we tried to explain how much more would be needed in the weeks and months to come.

She gets it. And as she sat on her bed, cursing the flood and all it had taken from her, she acknowledged that she was lucky. She knows that she is fortunate while many others were not this past week. But it doesn't make her feel any better, doesn't make her feel less sad and frustrated with how the end of the year has turned out. I told her it was out of our control and we'd have to make the best of it. We'll go to school and spend the final half-day enjoying the friends and teachers that have made the last five years such an incredible experience for her.

She'll cry a little. I probably will too. We'll say goodbye and we'll move forward. Then we'll spend some time this summer helping victims of the flood move forward too.

Did it For the Money

I think it's time to come clean. Before I go any further, remember this happened a long time ago. I was in university in Toronto, which is an expensive city, and I needed some extra cash. I only did it the once and wouldn't do it again, probably. Okay. Here goes.

I sold my body for money.

There. I feel so much better now. It happened over the course of a couple weeks -- I spent pretty much the whole day, three or so times a week, laying there. When it was done I took my money and I never looked back.

I guess maybe I should rephrase this. I actually sold my body for science. Money too, but I was a guinea pig. I answered an ad posted through U of T, completed some preliminary medical tests, and I was up and running. I had to lay on a chaise all day hooked up to monitors, and every hour or two I'd puff on an inhaler. Some days it was a placebo and others it was a new asthma medication being tested on healthy non-asthmatic people to see if there were any adverse affects. I sat and read, watched TV and got paid a couple hundred bucks for my trouble. It was a university student's dream gig!

Sure, I could sure tell when I puffed from the real inhalers. Sure, my heart raced and my hands shook like crazy. And sure, I don't think that product ever made it to market. I'm guessing asthmatics wouldn't appreciate dealing with a thundering heart rate and hand tremors in the middle of an asthma attack.

But, hey, being a medical test subject was a rite of passage for a broke university student far from home. I took my money and ran, thankful to get out of there with the same number of digits and no side affects that required excising, drainage, or special creams.

Sick of Sports

I am a big supporter of keeping kids active. Getting them moving. Ensuring they are fit. But there is a downside -- or at least in our family. That downside? My house. It gets taken over by sports gear. Frankly, it's driving me crazy!

 

I hit the wall today. It started when I went for groceries this morning. I opened the back of the van to pile my bags in and there is a HUGE lacrosse goalie stick and bag of goalie gear for tonight's game (Ben is in net so we have the team gear). I had to wedge my groceries in around all of the stinky lacrosse stuff.

Then I got home, put groceries away, and set out to get an article finished for my deadline tomorrow. En route to the office I was tripping on soccer cleats and lacrosse sticks (which are often propped in the corner by the dog's food dish where the hockey sticks are for the rest of the year -- I fear for that dog every time he goes for a drink, expecting those precariously balanced sticks to crack him on the head as they crash to the ground). We also have a giant lacrosse bag of hand-me-downs from a friend sitting in the office waiting for us to go through it. Then there are golf bags sitting by the door ready for the next lessons or round and baseball mitts and footballs by the backdoor in case there's a game or skipping ropes handy for a quick jump. And the water bottles. God help me for the water bottles on every flat surface so they can always find one before a game. ARGH!

At least the hockey stuff (and most of the lacrosse gear) is downstairs, out of sight. This happened only after I freaked out. I was tired of the first thing you saw when you walked into our house being a stinky hockey tree drying out gear. It really didn't go with the beautiful WWI piano.

I guess I should be thankful my kids are exercising regularly, making friends, learning teamwork and keeping healthy. I just wish they would find a better place to store their stuff!

Squirrel Mind Games

There is a black squirrel that lives in our neighbour's tree. Okay, I'm not POSITIVE that it lives in the tree but it hangs out there a lot at any rate. It also likes to hang out on our back fence. I'm quite sure the reason for this is to torment our dog.

This squirrel sits on the post at the half-way point of the yard and waits. It stares at the back door, stock-still, and waits. Farley must have some kind of radar because he will jump up from a dead sleep and race to the door to be let out. He has a special bark that we all have come to associate with squirrel invasion. We let Farley out, the squirrel swishes its tail a few times and scampers across the fence and into the neighbour's yard. But it doesn't leave it at that. It then sits just beyond reach and listens to Farley's crazed barking and looks at him smugly, as if to say "Sucks to be you, stuck in your yard."

Perhaps I am giving this bushy-tailed rodent too much credit (yes, I know squirrels are mammals but this one is an honorary rodent for certain). Perhaps its pea-sized brain doesn't remember there is a dog in this house that will chase it off as soon as it's spotted. Perhaps it just likes the look of our yard and that is why it chooses to stop there for a rest after a busy day of squirrel activities. Perhaps it is a very kind and decent creature who helps underprivileged squirrels build nests and gather acorns.

But I don't think so. I think this squirrel enjoys the mind games. It enjoys getting Farley riled up and frothing. In fact, I expect it to bring its squirrel buddies with it one of these days to taunt him even more. Maybe Farley likes the chase, likes getting his 14-year-old heart pumping over this interloper. Maybe the squirrel is his buddy. Who knows? All I know is that the urgent yapping bark to get out and the quickness with which that 14-year-old body moves to charge at the squirrel suggests that the visitor is far from welcome in Farley's yard. So we'll continue to let him out when he yaps and watch the squirrel torment him, and wonder if it will ever get tired of the game and move onto a new target. I doubt it - given the squirrel's daily visits, it seems that Farley is entertaining it just fine.